Uncomfortably Numb Pt. 2

So for the record, I really thought there was another ’90s song, not Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb.” It could have been what I was thinking of, but I’m neither a Floyd fan, nor comfortable with the numbness, so it wasn’t entirely what I was going for. ūüôā

Today I went with my boys to pick up school supplies at Target. Not entirely a mistake, but I hereby admit publicly that my husband was right, and we should have taken my meds with us since I ran out while we were out, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The sensation that I didn’t do a very good job describing yesterday is very odd.¬† I have these strange lumps of skin where my breasts used to be that the nerves are basically dead.¬† So where I’m used to having these crazy cartoon¬†breasts, next to no feeling. Occasional tingling, but that’s it, and I understand that’s how it’s likely to stay.¬† However, two layers lower, under the skin and my pec muscles, there’s an odd sensation these mainly deflated water balloons which are my tissue expanders.¬† And most of the pain that I have is from them pushing at the bottom of the implants when I lean forward or allow gravity to put too much stress on where I believe the¬†AlloDerm patch is holding them in place.¬† So I’m spending extra time on my back, or am more comfortable when I’m holding the girls up with my hands, which looks silly.¬† But when I’m in enough pain or around the house, I just don’t care.

The other hard thing being home is that I’m a side or tummy sleeper, and with the implants & the drains under each arm, I’ve got to keep myself propped oddly in bed, which doesn’t help me or the sidekick sleep.

I think I did an OK job of camouflage¬†today, I put on a cardigan to cover my cami¬†that holds the icky drains, the poly fill¬†fake boobs so my shirt wasn’t totally empty and a scarf around my neck to help give a little extra volume, but I still felt like people were looking at me funny, and when I look in the mirror, I still have a hard time recognizing that I’m looking at me.¬† It’s funny, because my face hasn’t changed a bit, and perhaps it has something to do with the fact I haven’t bothered to put on makeup in almost a week, but it’s strange. I just don’t know who that lady is in the mirror, but I also don’t feel motivated to fix that yet.¬† I’ve decided to blame the drugs,¬† but we’ll have to see if the feeling passes, because I don’t really like it.

I’m really not comfortable with numb.

3 thoughts on “Uncomfortably Numb Pt. 2

  1. You are doing such a good job! One thing I remember after one of my fun childbirth experiences is my doctor saying that the pain meds were for me, because they would help me recover…….so keep that in mind. I did almost spit my Cosmo (hello birthday week) on the computer as I read your follow up HazMat story…..just think of the unusually heavy breast tissue as being such a great specimen to study…because there is so much of it!!!! Love you, keep on the journey……let me know when you are ready for visitors! xoxoxo

  2. Hi Ange – I am so profoundly proud of you and I think of you every day. Never, ever doubt that you did the right thing by donating the ‘good’ boobie as well. Hope you feel a little better, day by day by day.

    Love Jen D

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