So for the record, I really thought there was another ’90s song, not Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb.” It could have been what I was thinking of, but I’m neither a Floyd fan, nor comfortable with the numbness, so it wasn’t entirely what I was going for. 🙂
Today I went with my boys to pick up school supplies at Target. Not entirely a mistake, but I hereby admit publicly that my husband was right, and we should have taken my meds with us since I ran out while we were out, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
The sensation that I didn’t do a very good job describing yesterday is very odd. I have these strange lumps of skin where my breasts used to be that the nerves are basically dead. So where I’m used to having these crazy cartoon breasts, next to no feeling. Occasional tingling, but that’s it, and I understand that’s how it’s likely to stay. However, two layers lower, under the skin and my pec muscles, there’s an odd sensation these mainly deflated water balloons which are my tissue expanders. And most of the pain that I have is from them pushing at the bottom of the implants when I lean forward or allow gravity to put too much stress on where I believe the AlloDerm patch is holding them in place. So I’m spending extra time on my back, or am more comfortable when I’m holding the girls up with my hands, which looks silly. But when I’m in enough pain or around the house, I just don’t care.
The other hard thing being home is that I’m a side or tummy sleeper, and with the implants & the drains under each arm, I’ve got to keep myself propped oddly in bed, which doesn’t help me or the sidekick sleep.
I think I did an OK job of camouflage today, I put on a cardigan to cover my cami that holds the icky drains, the poly fill fake boobs so my shirt wasn’t totally empty and a scarf around my neck to help give a little extra volume, but I still felt like people were looking at me funny, and when I look in the mirror, I still have a hard time recognizing that I’m looking at me. It’s funny, because my face hasn’t changed a bit, and perhaps it has something to do with the fact I haven’t bothered to put on makeup in almost a week, but it’s strange. I just don’t know who that lady is in the mirror, but I also don’t feel motivated to fix that yet. I’ve decided to blame the drugs, but we’ll have to see if the feeling passes, because I don’t really like it.
I’m really not comfortable with numb.