I’ve had a couple of people subtly (or not so subtly) point out that it’s been almost  a month since I last wrote.   The reasons for that seem good when I’m not writing. I’ve been working a lot, pushing myself in what I KNOW is an unnecessary but still very real need to prove that I’m back, or that I was never REALLY gone.

People ask all of the time how I’m feeling, and unless I try to lift too much stuff (since it’s been 10 months since I was allowed to lift more than 15 lbs) then I’m sore, but otherwise, physically, it’s almost like nothing ever happened.

Except I now have this odd curly hair. And when I wear my formerly favorite dress, for the first time in my life, I was tempted to stuff my bra. It was too big on top.

I want to start working out more and lose some of the weight that I was working on losing when I found Lefty’s lump, but I just can’t seem to find it in me.

I put a lot of time in at work, and I do believe I’m still doing my job effectively, but some days I am not sure how much I CARE.  Which is really what worries me most of all.

Off and on since the late ’90s I’ve been on medication for stress headaches, anti-depressants. I used to get a near-migraine every single day between 2:30-3p. I went off to get pregnant, until I realized that I had post-partum depression and went back on them when the kid was about one. I’ve had to change my meds because of how they effect the metabolization of my Tamoxifen, and we’ve increased my dosage of the new one to get back in line with what I was taking before they switched me, but sometimes I start to wonder.

I THINK that it’s not like me to work hard, and take pride in my work, but not feel fully invested, but maybe it’s not.

There were a lot of reasons, very GOOD reasons, I left TV news. But despite all of the things that were completely thankless and hard, it was never really a job. It was as natural as breathing. I hear about something, think that people will want to know more, so I figure out the best way to find out more, and then to tell people.

PR for me is more like a puzzle. How do I take what my clients want people to know about, and get it to the people who want to know? Especially when those people don’t KNOW that they want to know it yet. 🙂

But if I have to be medicated to not have my job give me a headache every single day, then how much of my dedication is then chemical?

I don’t think it is. I’d like to think that the chemicals help with something that’s missing, but what is missing has never been my drive, or my work ethic. That’s something that was ingrained in me by my parents (Happy Father’s Day, Dad!) but is something that’s more than just in my DNA. It’s who I am, nature, nurture, and everything in between.

I know in a lot of ways, I can be jaded. I don’t think there should be “graduations” complete with cap & gown before high school. I don’t think that finishing Kindergarten should be considered the same as completing 12 years of schooling, or earning a college degree.  I think “Baby on Board” signs in cars are ridiculous. What, I’m supposed to think “OH, I was GOING to run you down, but since there’s a BABY, I won’t use my car to smash into you!”

And right now, between surgeries, I may be a little jaded about this whole cancer business. I just want to move on.

But when I was on KOMO, I told them it changes how you look at everything. But at the same time, it changes nothing.

And if that doesn’t make you jaded, I don’t know what will.