You Give Love A Bad Name

Shot in the butt, and you’re to blame… cancer you give love, a bad name.

Oh, that’s not how it goes?

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted… and I actually started this post a month ago, but I haven’t been in the head space to share in a while.

Hell, I don’t know that I am now, but here I go.

There have been three big updates since I posted last.

As my first line alludes to, I’ve started a new hormone therapy regimen, with a shot of Lupron (in the butt) and then an Aromatase Inhibitor or AI every day to replace my Tamoxifen. My doc’s drug of choice is Arimidex.

We made that choice because I came out of my chemically induced menopause, and started to have a cycle again. Between that, and the knowledge that being on an AI is more effective than being on Tamoxifen for the full 5 years that my hormone therapy is planned, it seemed like a no brainer.  The shot started as once a month, and at yesterday’s visit, we switched to once every three months.

In all, it’s been a good choice. Less headaches. Less hot flashes, or at least when I do get them, they are less extreme. More of a warm flash, than an all out fire.  However, last night I was pretty wiped out by the shot (I went to bed hours earlier than usual) and it still REALLY hurts at the site of the injection.  If it still hurts tomorrow, I’ll have to give them a call.

Thing two has been about food. The sidekick and I want to be healthier, so we’re trying an anti-inflammatory diet recommended by my naturopathic doctor. It’s a lot like paleo at first, but after eliminating a BUNCH of stuff for 3 weeks, you test to see what works or doesn’t work for your body, and then may be able to allow things like gluten, dairy, etc., back into your diet. We’re in the testing phase now, and I actually feel pretty good.  I could live without most of the things we’ve eliminated… except for the convenience & OBSESSING about food & planning. I have not been weighing myself, but between the 1st time I got a shot at SCCA and yesterday (3 months) I was down 10 lbs. And knowing that was most likely the food changes in the last month when I finally buckled down & started really DOING it, that feels pretty darn good.

Thing three has probably been weighing on me the most. My mom is back on chemo. Quick refresher- she was diagnosed with colon cancer about 5 years ago. Stage 4, but they were able to cut it all out. She went through chemo, it sucked, blah, blah. Just as it really felt like she was moving back to normal, my shit all went down. And as I finished my year of hell in 2011, she learned that she had two new tumors, this time on her liver. More surgery, more chemo. The whole time, she continued working as a victim advocate more hours than she is supposed to for her local prosecutor’s office. And in the last few months, she learned of two more tumors. Another on her liver, and this time one on her lung.  So she’s put off her planned trip to Italy this summer. And she’s buckling down to get through chemo again.

This has me scared on multiple levels. No matter how old you are, I don’t think anyone is ever ready to lose their mom. And when I talk to her, she sounds weaker. I tend to be afraid to call her on evenings or weekends, because I hope that she’s getting rest. And even more selfishly than not wanting to lose my mom or my son’s grandmother, it makes me worry for my own cancer.

If mom could beat cervical cancer 30 years ago, but now have to fight colon cancer again and again and AGAIN, does this mean that I’ll have to do the same? Not only do I not want to die today, but I REALLY don’t wan to deal with cancer again. In case you missed any of my earlier blogs, it more than kind of sucks.

So there you go. I have not been writing, because I’m scared to death, and although I know she doesn’t like attention but seems to me like I’m the world’s crappiest kid for not spending more time with her. Even though I refuse to allow myself to think that her time may be limited, that knowledge is always there.

This is also kicked me in the ass to get my own colonoscopy, which is scheduled for next month.  The prep for it makes the lifestyle changes we’re trying to make now look like child’s play. And then they are going to stick something up my butt and I have to pray that they don’t find anything. Yet another possibility that I refuse to face.

Oh cancer, you give EVERYTHING a bad name.

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