Likely something that’s TMI, but it’s 3:30a, I’ve had one hour of sleep, and I thought that maybe again getting my chaotic thoughts would clear my head enough to let me sleep… but I’m a picker. Like if there’s a scab that looks like it might come off, I pick it off. If I have a blemish, I can’t just leave it alone. Sunburn is peeling? I get all of that nasty dead skin off right away.
So it’s no surprise to me that when my hair is coming out any time I pull on it, I can’t leave it alone.
There is SOME logic to this, and although I’ve been showing it as a parlor trick since Thursday AM, it’s only in the privacy of my own home that I’m pulling out handfuls of hair to make a little pile on the floor. Which I then vacuum up, or roll into a ball and toss in the garbage, or both. But if I pull out the hair, it’s not on my shirt or the couch or somewhere else.
If I put it in a pile on the floor it’s not elsewhere on the floor. Because if it’s elsewhere on the floor it ends up clinging to my socks. I had on white ones today, and I realized this afternoon it looked like we had a shedding Chocolate Lab with all of the hair on my socks.
So of course, I took off the socks. Problem solved.
Friends have asked, and no, it doesn’t hurt when the hair comes out. Not any more than it does when your hair comes out on a normal day… if I just let it happen, I might not even notice. But like I said, I’m a picker, which says two things. First, there is a physical sensation on my scalp. It’s like when you wear a hat all day, or leave hair in a ponytail too long. That “hair hurt” as my husband calls it, feeling. So I want to rub at it… and when I “pick at it” the hair comes out.
But even bigger, I want control. I decide when these hairs are going to shed if I can and I’m going to control the disposal. Damnit.
So Saturday, after my son’s football game, I’ve got an appointment at the SCCA’s Shine store to pick out some head coverings. I’m figuring at least one wig and another non-tie scarfy thing, since I’m stressed about tying one in a way that will make it stay. Maybe they can help with that too.
I’ve also started a new Pinterest board, “Wigging Out” with really random and crazy wigs or hats I COULD buy. I kind of like the rainbow bob… talk about a pop of color! Feel free to comment on if I could pull these things off in public.
So other than sharing the exciting news that I am going to find new hair tomorrow… I want to make sure everyone knows I really am OK.
I’m not really EXCITED about going bald, but I’m completely accepting it, and I WILL move forward.
This week brings another fill and meeting with my chemo doc on Monday, and then round two.
But don’t you see what that means?
By this time, one week from now, I’ll be past the half-way point in my chemo. Over the hump. On the downhill side.
Physically, I’m now off all of the meds that I was taking for my surgery, although I’m keeping them around for the TE fills and chemo, since they do help.
It was three months ago Friday that I found the effing lump, and I’ve already come so far.
I’m kicking its ASS! Don’t be worried about this ninja, CELEBRATE.
Oh, and check your boobies. Just in case. 🙂