I know that literal is not where Coldplay is going with “Fix You,” but when there are tears streaming down my face because it feels like someone has actually lit my bones on fire… and I want so much to work and be a functioning member of my team, but I can’t stand to look @ my PC because it makes me motion sick.
And I know that all my friends, family, and esp my boys want to do is try (yy-yy) to fix me. And I know that hugs from my boys and love from my friends are the only things getting me through this when it seems like it’d be easier to quit.
So for that, I sincerely thank you.
This will likely be disjointed, as I can’t write more than a few min or so @ a time, but I promised to be real. Please stop now if you didn’t want real-ness.
I can tell you now that there are three distinct weeks to this three-week cycle. The Good, the Not So Bad, and the Ugly.
I’m in the middle of an ugly week, but let’s end there, so start with week two, which will be NEXT week, week “Not So Bad.”
Week 2 is really more about the emotional toll than anything, and making my self REALLY care about the things that I normally care a LOT about, like my job, the state of my home and feeding my family. I usually manage to get a grocery list together, and might even run the dishwasher once. I go to the office to soak in the brain power that I don’t get from the dog. I function pretty much like a normal, although slightly tired and distracted person.
Week 3 is the week where chemo happens, and ironically, is the Good week. It’s like a honeymoon phase. I’ve forgotten the pain, and am almost manic in my need to get stuff done. Still emotionally messy, but very much about throwing myself into everything. Even the day of the treatment, although it’s dull and I spend a lot of time in a hospital-like room, I feel good. This time I was more tired than the first session, but still, not hideous. I am just out and about.
But Week 1, starting with the Sunday afternoon after my Friday AM treatment, is Bad. B-A-D, bad. I can not get comfortable. My legs hurt, and are sometimes twitchy. I’m often nauseated, and nothing tastes quite right. I want so badly to do something other than sleep, but can’t concentrate for more thank 15 min. My eyes hurt. And today I started crying uncontrollably for no really good reason, other than I’m pretty much done with this. I know I’m trading 84 days of hell for 50 years cancer-free, but it doesn’t feel fair, when I never hurt before this. I mean, surgery didn’t feel GOOD, but it didn’t make my body feel like I was possessed, my head itch, and the skin behind my ears crack.
I want to call and ask, since I was stage 1, do I REALLY need the next two treatments? But I know the answer.
Starting after Thanksgiving, all of the weeks will be getting better.
In the meantime, I appreciate the love, but nothing but time will fix me.