Grateful

I’m not sure why I’ve picked grateful vs. thankful as my theme for this month. I think that I just like the idea of having an attitude of gratitude more than simply being full of thanks. Although to be clear, I am both.  I think it’s more about being full of thanks sounding less active. An attitude is something that I choose to have.

Last month on Facebook, I decided to think of as many ways as I could to remind people to check their chests. Touch their tatas. Love their lady lumps.  You get the idea.

This month, I’m trying even harder to post each day for one simple thing that I am grateful for. On the days I wasn’t blogging, I figure it at least let people know that I’m still alive and kicking… I just don’t have much to say when I feel crappy.  After all, I was raised that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.

I know there are people who read the blog who I don’t have a FB relationship with, so I thought it would be nice to go back and summarize on the days that I don’t write so that my blog friends know what’s been on my mind when I haven’t been able to gather the energy to write anything coherent.  I have a feeling that I may repeat myself (I may have already mentioned both my boys and sleep more than once) but here’s what I’ve come up with so far.

I am grateful for:

      • Eyebrows & eyelashes. They may be thin, but they are still there so I look like a person and not an alien.
      • Friends (two of whom visited me on this chemo day) and that I am 3 down with one to go
      • Eyesight. It started to bother me early this time, but I still have it in general. And it does come back each time.
      • My boys and sleep. I felt crappy earlier than usual this treatment, and I find the best way to fight feeling crappy is to sleep. But no matter where in the house I fall asleep, my husband, son, and cockapoo roll with it, and make sure I feel loved.
      • My job and sleep. Because I have a job where people understand that I don’t need to take 3 months off, I just need a few days of sleep.
      • The privilege of voting.  I may not agree with everything all of my friends believe (what fun would THAT be to only hang out with people you agree with 100% of the time?) but I love that we live in a land where we get to voice our opinions… even if so many of them are wrong. 🙂
      • Also, that all of the political ads are over… at least when I was in news they paid my wages… now they are just OBNOXIOUS.
      • Mail in ballots, and the warm puppy who sits in my lap when my legs hurt.  I wouldn’t have felt up to driving to a polling place, so the mail in thing and no lines felt awfully great.  I don’t know why everyone isn’t doing it.
      • That the sun continues to rise. Early for this one, but when you’re coming out of a few days of feeling like Kathy Bates goes Misery on your legs, it’s something to appreciate.
      • Boys who cuddle.  I’m lucky, all of my boys from hubby to puppy are cuddelers, and when I’m feeling down and like giving up.  I also posted the terrific speech by Colts coach Chuck Pagano about how what we do, us cancer ninjas, is rarely fighting for ourselves, but for others.
      • That I had to scrape the ice of my car this morning, because that means after 227k miles and 11 years, it’s still able to get me where I need to go!  Oh, and that I felt up to driving this AM.  First time since I got home from chemo last Friday.  I probably COULD have driven yesterday, but I really didn’t want to.

So what is the point of all of this gratefulness?

Cancer changes how you look at every little thing. This will be my crappiest month, because it’s the only month I have two doses of chemo, but it’s also the end of the road for this chemo trip, so there is light at the end of this tunnel.  It’s light that is still filled with more work, but it has me starting to be me again.   I don’t know this chick that looks like Uncle Fester in the mirror.

But for that light, and for all of the little things I notice along the way, I will continue to be grateful.

If not, it seems like an awful waste of this forced new perspective.

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