I woke up at 4:30a again. It’s 5:09 now, and I’m hoping if I get some of my swirling thoughts out of my head I’ll be able to get a couple more hours of sleep.
It’s been a month since I slept through the night with any regularity. It happens on occasion, but waking up in a dark room has become my new norm. This is what happens when you internalize shit. I’m just sayin.’
In the last two weeks since I started pushing my news onto others, the outpouring of love that I’ve experienced has been amazing. I’ve made colleagues including my clients, who you wouldn’t think of as super touchy-feely guys, cry. I’ve heard from friends who I haven’t heard from in forever. I get a lot of spontaneous hugs.
All of this is awesome (other than the crying, I hate making people cry) but as I told someone yesterday, I wish that people didn’t have to be diagnosed with cancer to feel this kind of love and support.
I know that a lot of people don’t know what to say. That’s OK, in case you can’t tell from the awkward way I’ve been dropping my C-bomb, neither do I. Neither WOULD I. And honestly, really, it’s OK if you don’t say anything.
I’ve realized there is another way, besides the even more than usual need for oversharing, that this thing is messing me up. I’m doing next to no research.
I’ve said I’m a planner, but even more, I’m an investigator. When mom was diagnosed with colon cancer two years ago, I became an expert. But I just can’t bring myself to do more than cursory searches about my own disease. What does DCIS mean? OK, and Invasive Ductal Carcinoma? I’ve got that too. This morning the pathology came back from the MRI guided biopsy on #3 and it was Intraductal Carcinoma. Which may, or may not be the same as DCIS? Sigh.
Usually, this would mean hours of research. But until I get through the surgery, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I get enough to know what the words mean, and then I stop. Like getting more detail would make it too real. I’m still trying to curl up like a potato bug, although by sharing so publicly, I’m not letting myself do it. Or at least that’s how I’m deluding myself today.
OK- enough poor me.
I do have a mission for everyone who reads this today. Find someone who you care about and haven’t talked to in a while, and tell them that they’re awesome. One of the easy ways to do this would be to go through your FB friends, and instead of “cleaning them out” because you haven’t talked to them, do the opposite. Reach out. That friend who you keep thinking about, but never seem to make the time to make contact? Make the contact.
No one should have to be diagnosed with cancer to feel loved or feel strong. And we ALL have amazing friends who are just a phone call, text or IM away. We just have to take the time to have that one on one contact. I bet you’ll BOTH feel better for giving it a try.