Twenty Years and Counting

I’ve got so much running through my head right now, it’s hard to know where to start.

20 years ago tonight I was in my first weekend at Boston University, and long-story-short, I met a guy. Who is currently asleep next to me on our couch.

For the last three days I’ve had a chance to go in to my office and soak up the energy of being around amazing, smart people who are not related to me or sitting on the side of a pee-wee football field, and who make me feel both loved and smart, but it was hard.  I kept forgetting to take my muscle relaxants… which isn’t smart since I was also putting some extra stress on my arms & chest by sitting upright all day (I’ve been reclined most of the time while I’ve been home, and I didn’t realize that it was helping as much as it was) and carrying things like my bag.  None of it’s a BIG deal, but added up, it’s wiped me out. I’ve taken more oxy earlier in the night than I have in at least a week.  And I’ve woken up with a massive headache.

But I wanted SO badly to be around people and feel useful.

Yesterday I also went to work for the first time in my whole life without a bra on.  I felt completely naked, even though I had on a t-shirt, cardigan, and a scarf.  So at lunch I went and bought a bra… and that experience could be a whole post on its own.

And tomorrow afternoon I talk to the genetic counselor… to learn a little more about my cancer and perhaps the future of my ovaries, again, a post of its own.

But today I got a call from my medical oncologist’s office, and I had to go pick up a prescription for steroids that I have to start taking in the morning & evening the day before, day of, and day after treatment.  I take one at 8a, and another by 4p, because it will make it hard for me to sleep.  I think I’ve had exactly one good night’s sleep since I found the lump.

These steroids will also make me hungry, even while I’m undergoing chemo which will likely make me nauseous. My hands and feet may swell. The pharmacist told me not to even read all of the possible side effects, since they are more for people who take it in higher doses, longer term.

But things are getting real, and to be honest, I’m getting scared.

Luckily I wore my new boots to work all day today & they felt great.  And other than talking to the genetic counselor, I’m also going to talk to someone from Bright Pink and find myself some more support from someone who knows what I’m going through.

So I’m going to go curl up with the guy who has been here for me for the last 20 years, and hope for sweet dreams of the next 50.

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