A Ninja Looks At 39

Looking back, it’s hard to believe that this whole cancer experience so far has happened in less than six months.

I know I’ve been quiet the last few weeks, and I’ve blamed it on work, which is in part fair, but the last week or so I haven’t even been able to really buckle down and concentrate on work like I normally would.  You might think it’s the holidays, but really, I’ve had a hard time getting in to the holidays this year.  I still haven’t sent anything to my dad or baby brother. And I never even went shopping for all of the random little things that usually jump out at me and say that my co-workers need to own them.

My husband & mom are both mad at me that I didn’t give them much of a Christmas list.  The fact is, I just don’t WANT anything that I can think of to tell them to buy. (Hair. The sidekick said he’s got some on backorder for me, it may be a month or two)

And tomorrow I turn 39.

I don’t think the birthday is really why, but late at night when I can’t sleep and am completely honest with myself, I know I’m just a little bit depressed.

It’s the stupidest thing.  I got through the tough stuff by fighting through it. I’m really hoping that it’s just that I feel like I’m on pause. And once I start taking that little pill every day that means I’m fighting again, then I’ll get my head back in the game.

Christmas was fine, the little man was very happy with everything that he got. The sidekick’s gift to me is to let me buy whatever I want… so he couldn’t complain about his new DSLR that he mentioned maybe wanting in passing a couple of months ago… and may have told me not to buy.

Me, I got a new wallet that I wanted, a nice warm hat that does not scream chemo patient, and a pink ukulele, along with a book to teach myself how to play it. Of course, that lead to this:

Sidekick: We’ve been together 20 years, how did I not know you’ve “always” wanted to learn to play the ukulele. I totally could have beat your mom to buying you that.

Me: I like to remain a mystery.  And I did put it on my Amazon wish list.

We even bought a faux tree this year, which seems like a crime considering the sheer number of Christmas Trees grown per capita in the valley where we live, but everyone in the house has allergies, and this way we’ll recycle, right?

So basically, the update is that I’m fine.  I still have thin eyebrows & lashes, but I think my fuzzy hair is starting to fill in a little bit.  I may check several times per day.  The hardest part is the rocks that I have implanted in my chest (get it, hard, rocks?)… but I’m even doing a little better there… my fingers haven’t gone numb in the last couple of days, so that’s good, even if they do still cause some muscle pain.

And then there’s the waiting.

But tomorrow is not only another day, but a whole new year of my life.

I may not have known that there was cancer this time a year ago, but I can look forward to 39 and be pretty sure I’m cancer free.

So really, what more can I want?

One thought on “A Ninja Looks At 39

  1. Dear Ange, you have every right to be a bit depressed, truely! Cancer, the pain of it all, turning 39…. Christmas is different this year. especially because you have been beat up by the Big C. It’s going to take a while, so be as patient as you can and Best Wishes in 2013!!! Cheers to LIfe, Sandi

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