Yet again I find myself wide awake when I’d really rather be sleeping, and hoping that by banging my whirling thoughts on my keyboard, I’ll be able to get a few hours sleep.
I feel like a broken record, but I know a lot of the insomnia comes from discomfort. I wake up in the middle of the night because I’m sore. My mom worries about chronic pain if this doesn’t get better after next week but I don’t think pain is really the right word.
It’s more like I’m suffering from chronic owie.
I really don’t HURT most of the time. As long as I stay on top of the muscle relaxants, it’s more of an ache or a soreness.
But that’s just the part that wakes me in the middle of the night.
The part that is keeps me awake, is keeping me awake now, is a four letter “F” word. Fear.
Other than the whole having cancer thing, when I look back over the last nine months it feels like things have almost gone too smoothly. I haven’t had any infections or setbacks. Hell, it sucked, but even my chemo wasn’t as bad as it could have been.
So maybe this time is when something will go wrong.
Completely irrational? Yep.
Doesn’t make the fear not as real as can be.
So I read my Ninja board on Pinterest again, sometimes to feel inspired and sometimes to giggle.
And I continue to prepare for the worst on Monday, but expect the best.
There are many variations on the quote, but it is said that courage is not the absence of fear, but moving forward despite the fear. I’m not sure that I deserve to be called brave since I really don’t think a constant state of sore is a long term option, but tonight I’ll work on brave. Journey can be happier with me again tomorrow.