I’m really not a morning person.
So being at the hospital in Seattle (45 min from home) at 5:15a, especially after picking up my little brother at the airport at 11:30p last night, is REALLY not my idea of fun.
However, today is not about me. Today is about mom.
She’s scheduled to go first for her surgery today. The doc seems to have changed his plan, instead of just taking out half of her liver, he’s going to cut out one tumor, then totally remove the whole liver from her body and flip it over so that he can get to the tumor on the other side.
She says she’s not scared, and I’m refusing to be scared as well, but I would still appreciate if anyone out there reading this could send her some positive energy today.
I was raised Mormon, which always seems to surprise people who know me, as I haven’t been to church on a regular basis since my 26 year old brother was born. I tend to be relatively agnostic, I have a hard time with blind faith in general, but more than that I’m a believer in Pascal’s Wager. You can read more on Wikipedia on that link, but the basic premise is that if you believe in God and there is not one, then you have lost little, but if you do not believe and there IS a God, you have a lot to lose.
My philosophy of religion is really pretty simple. I don’t make deals with Him or anything, and I believe that how I live my life is more important than where I spend my Sundays. I’ve known people of all religions who are self-righteous about their belief system, but are really just not very nice people. I’m not 100% sure that there is a God, but if there is, I believe that he’s a God of love, and that being good to others is the most important way to honor Him. And if there is nothing beyond this, I have lost nothing by trying my best to be kind. In fact, I believe that there is a lot that I have gained.
But when my mom, who has much deeper faith than I, and is the one who shaped my spirituality the most, is fighting cancer for the THIRD TIME, it’s hard to believe in a higher power, since it really just doesn’t make sense.
All of that said, Mom does believe in God. No questions asked.
And I believe strongly in the power of positive energy. No matter where it comes from, focusing on the best possible outcome (prepare for the worst, plan for the best) is what has gotten me through the last 39 years on this earth.
So for all of you who have been praying or sending me happy thoughts, or whatever it is YOU believe in, if you could do that for my mom today I would really appreciate it. I joke about her needing to stick around for my son’s wedding (yes, he is 9, this means she will need to be around a LONG time) but she’d still like to be around if my 26 year old baby brother gets hitched.
And selfishly, I’m just not ready to be without my mom.
Mom is a big country music fan. Me, not so much. But last summer she played this song by Martina McBride for me, and I just couldn’t stop crying. It hits too close to home for me to even listen to. And as another song she likes says, every storm runs out of rain.