So if you know me in real life, you are likely not shocked that even though I never finished watching the final season, I am a HUGE fan of the West Wing. Great writing, mostly great acting, and other general awesomeness.

Although as I have learned this year, I’m willing to bet it’s as much easier to be the fake President on TV as it is to have breast cancer on TV.

But I digress.

On the West Wing, when Bartlett was done with something, he would say, “What’s Next?” This was best explained in the episode where Josh got shot by people shooting at Charlie, and blah blah blah, but the idea was, when he said “what’s next,” he was DONE with the current topic, and ready to move on.

So as I said to my doc when I saw him a week ago, “What’s Next?” for your friend the ninja.  Here’s how it looks:

• Dec. 3- I forget which number fill for tissue expanders (I’ve had cancer, no one said I had to do MATH TOO)
• Dec. 17- Last fill of the boobies.  Let them sit in their stiffness “high and proud” on my chest for 3+ months to get all acclimated.
• Dec. 25- Christmas. I’m really hoping for hair. (If anyone knows a place where I can donate or exchange in the butt that I currently have for the hair, I’m willing.)
• Dec 28. I turn 39.  Again, top of the wish list = Hair… since I’ll already be done with most of the work working on the boobies, right?
• Jan 1- Start the Tamoxifen.  Hot flashes and other early menopause symptoms to ensue. (I think they should call it woman-o-pause since they are pausing my women-ness, but my boss pointed out the whole “pausing menses” root and all that. Again, more thinking than I need to do today.  There is a good chance that this blog will document my decline into bat shit crazy. I’ll be interested to see how readership does as I lose my shit)
• Late March/Early April- Reconstructive surgery.  I get the hard, water-filled boobies replaced with some nice gummy bears.
• June 28- 16 year wedding anniversary. Likely when I will be ready to let the sidekick touch the new soft boobies… 🙂

The other thing I’ll be figuring out in there is how to get back to whittling my waist.  20/20 worked for me, but was CRAZY expensive, and we’ve had a lot of co-pays this year.  My favorite trainer is no longer at the kind of close to me gym… and the gym closest to me is about to go 24 hour… which would be super helpful.  I like to go to the gym and watch biggest loser on elliptical.

So just one last update on what’s been now, since we all know I’d rather skip straight to next.

My eyes were unhappy for the first few days, so I just kept them closed.  When I woke up yesterday I was able to sit with the light box (as the dog thinks of the laptop according to me) in my lap for a little while and get caught up on mail & dog shaming.

The side effects have been pretty much the same as the other three times. Pain has moved around more.  I’ve had a couple of awesome visitors who brought me mittens, food, and a reason to keep my eyes open. The only other one, which I was told to expect, is that my nail beds hurt.  All 20 of them.  They feel like they were stepped on or stubbed, but it’s JUST the nail bed, except for when it’s more pain than that.  Oh, and my pecs are super cranky. But that has been on going since my last fill. Hoping that once I stop the chemo after the fills, that the pec pain will also go away.

Oh, and my lips are peeling, so I both need to put more Burt’s Bees on them and quit chewing on them.

All in all, I’m feeling like I’m seeing the other side of this. That may be optimistic, but I always have been a glass half-full girl. 🙂

And I’ve missed a couple of days. I even had a few long blinks at Skyfall on Friday night, but when my eyes tweak out, it seems best to let them close.
Other than the blinking, I’ve had the bone pain, but in general I’m just waiting it out & being grateful that I can see the finish line from here…
As long a I blink carefully!

And all through the house, the McLaughlins were laughing at the butt tackle in the Pats game.

I mean really, we just can’t stop watching it and laughing.

Today has been a super chill Thanksgiving at our house, which I think is exactly what we needed. We ate a little later than planned, but we just weren’t in a big hurry.

I know I mentioned this last time, but mom and I did a turkey breast only.  The irony was honestly completely lost on me until I pulled the thing out of the oven. The year we sliced mine off seems like the perfect year to just go with the white meat.  There are only four of us here, and as I said on FB, #FUBoobCancer!

I forgot to take my steroids until late tonight, so there’s no way the tryptophan is going to take me out like it has my hubby (once the game was over and he stopped giggling about the #butttackle) so I also thought I’d update my grateful posts, which I’ll keep up on Facebook for the rest of the month.

However, the number one thing I think I’m grateful for right now is laughter.

The fact that I have so many friends and family who are laughing right along with me is awesome, but I’m so glad to be laughing away on this last day before I have chemo.  There’s nothing like laughter to help put everything into perspective.

So, the other things I’m grateful for since Nov. 10:

• That my boys were able to run a 32 min 5k together, and that after a long week of feeling weak, I was able to walk the 1/2 mile or so round trip to get me a Gingerbread Latte at Starbucks
• For veterans like my Grandpa and Grandma Hayes, my Grandpa Dyer and my dad
• For mini, impromptu vacations
• For whichever neighbor put our bear-attacked garbage back together and left it for the garbage man while we were out on our mini vacation… especially since we noticed that we have bear claw marks on our garage as we were leaving for said vacation… for reals!
• For pizza delivery on busy nights, since I was working my buns off at work since I recovered enough since my last treatment
• That I only have two more fills until my poor pecs are done getting stretched- they are STILL a little sore!
• That my boss made it home from Beijing in once piece. (And that I didn’t have to take that trip. 🙂  )
• To have a nice warm house where I’m safe from the storms outside
• For boys who let me sleep sleep in, and waking up to NFL Red Zone (We don’t always get the Pats here in Seattle… have I mentioned that I love me some football!)
• For a job that does not always require me to drive to the office… and that the sidekick did not decide either of the last two weeks were a good day to start taking a shot every time the Pats scored a touchdown.
• To be doing well enough that my doc used the word “amazing” this week
• On this Thanksgiving Eve, (aka Founder’s Day) I am grateful for my Tri Delta sisters!
• And finally, today, I am grateful for friends, family, football and food!

And laughter.

And that this is my very last night that will be a night before chemo!

I have had such mixed emotions this week, as I prepare for a rather small Thanksgiving, just my boys & my mom, so for the first time we’re doing just a turkey breast instead of the whole bird. I don’t know why I’m so worried about this, but I am.

Probably trying not to focus on the end of the week, which I shall henceforth refer to as Pink Friday. My last treatment.

Met with my oncologist today, and he confirmed, this is really it.  He even quoted a new study that showed for women with my risk factors, four treatments seems to be plenty.  Wouldn’t matter if I had six. Wouldn’t matter if I picked the easier treatment where I got 26 treatments (one a week).

This plan seems to be just as effective as any of my other options.  And it’s hard to believe it, but I’m almost done.

For some reason, it almost doesn’t seem right. Like I haven’t had it hard enough or something.  Of course, I can say this on the Tuesday BEFORE chemo… a week from now will be a significantly different story, but today, it feels surreal that this will soon be a memory.

I told my doc today that I’m still working, that I’ve been working full 8 hour days basically since the Thursday after my last chemo and he got a big grin and said, “That’s amazing. You’re amazing.”

People have been telling me that all over the place, but when it comes from someone who not only knows exactly what he’s putting your body through, but sees gazillions of other women who are dealing with the same stuff, that feels pretty cool.  Like maybe I am amazing after all.

After this week, I get to start making new plans.

My doc gave me the prescription for Tamoxifen, which we’ll start for a while, and may switch to something that’s easier on the system in a few years depending on how my system handles it. I’ll start that on January 1. So will have that from 1/1/13 to 12/31/17 0r something like that.

Crazy stuff to be planning that far out, but since I’m planning to live until 2062, I guess it’s not SOO long term.

So if I don’t write in the next few days, remember that I’m in a good place. Just don’t always have time to write.  In the words of Axl Rose:

Sometimes I need some time…on my own
Sometimes I need some time…all alone

But I’m still thinking of you all, my ninjas, and hoping you enjoy the upcoming days of giving thanks!

I know I tend not to write when I’m not feeling well, but that has not been my excuse this week at all.  This week I’ve been so busy with work, a couple of days being online until 9p or later, that I just haven’t had the energy to do much else.

To some people, this would be a complaint.

Me, I’m in heaven!

So with all of the work, I haven’t had time to think about my boobies much (see… HEAVEN), but I do have a couple of little updates.

Got a fill yesterday, now the TE are up to 720.  Two more fills to go, and then I have to wait three months… and then I get the gummy bears!

This is exciting both because I’ll be done by mid December, and that I’m that much closer to a natural looking implant.  Or more importantly, a natural FEELING implant.  The big ol’ water balloons on my chest sound like they’d be squishy, but not so much.  They are rock hard, and sit, as my plastic surgeon puts it, “high and proud.”

This weekend I think the hubby and I are going to look at the calendar and see what dates look like… then I need to make sure that I’m looking at a week I can take off of work, but it’s exciting to think how close I’m getting to putting all of this cancer treatment shit behind me.

I almost typed “all of this cancer shit behind me,” but I honestly don’t know that the cancer part will ever TRULY be behind me.  (And honestly, with the hormone stuff, I’ll still TECHNICALLY have 5 years to go, but that doesn’t seem like it will be quite as horrible.  Hopefully it won’t make my arms go numb like this fill has…)

Anyway, I wasn’t a ninja before, and even once I finish ninjaing the cancer out of my body, I will still be a ninja right?

Once you have cancer, you just look at life differently. I don’t like to think of it as living “like you were dying.”

I prefer to think of it as living like I’m going to LIVE!

Can’t seem to get my mind off of you, damn cancer, so my wonderful sidekick took me to the stormy seashore this weekend for a vacation from cancer.  I wore my blond hooker wig the whole time (we were in Ocean Shores, the town the spawned Courtney Stodden, I looked just fine) and other than the people in the spa where I got my salt scrub and massage, no one else knew of me as someone who is dealing with the big C.

We left the little ones with grandma, and had a weekend just for us.

We ate too much dessert in our room.

We drank too many coffee nudges.

I laughed more than I have in the last three months, quite possibly combined.

We didn’t stress about needing to be anywhere, and we watched a lot of football in our sweats.

In short, I had the best, best, best weekend ever, and exactly what I needed.

And for that, I am greatful.

#FUCancer

I’m not sure why I’ve picked grateful vs. thankful as my theme for this month. I think that I just like the idea of having an attitude of gratitude more than simply being full of thanks. Although to be clear, I am both.  I think it’s more about being full of thanks sounding less active. An attitude is something that I choose to have.

Last month on Facebook, I decided to think of as many ways as I could to remind people to check their chests. Touch their tatas. Love their lady lumps.  You get the idea.

This month, I’m trying even harder to post each day for one simple thing that I am grateful for. On the days I wasn’t blogging, I figure it at least let people know that I’m still alive and kicking… I just don’t have much to say when I feel crappy.  After all, I was raised that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all.

I know there are people who read the blog who I don’t have a FB relationship with, so I thought it would be nice to go back and summarize on the days that I don’t write so that my blog friends know what’s been on my mind when I haven’t been able to gather the energy to write anything coherent.  I have a feeling that I may repeat myself (I may have already mentioned both my boys and sleep more than once) but here’s what I’ve come up with so far.

I am grateful for:

• Eyebrows & eyelashes. They may be thin, but they are still there so I look like a person and not an alien.
• Friends (two of whom visited me on this chemo day) and that I am 3 down with one to go
• Eyesight. It started to bother me early this time, but I still have it in general. And it does come back each time.
• My boys and sleep. I felt crappy earlier than usual this treatment, and I find the best way to fight feeling crappy is to sleep. But no matter where in the house I fall asleep, my husband, son, and cockapoo roll with it, and make sure I feel loved.
• My job and sleep. Because I have a job where people understand that I don’t need to take 3 months off, I just need a few days of sleep.
• The privilege of voting.  I may not agree with everything all of my friends believe (what fun would THAT be to only hang out with people you agree with 100% of the time?) but I love that we live in a land where we get to voice our opinions… even if so many of them are wrong. 🙂
• Also, that all of the political ads are over… at least when I was in news they paid my wages… now they are just OBNOXIOUS.
• Mail in ballots, and the warm puppy who sits in my lap when my legs hurt.  I wouldn’t have felt up to driving to a polling place, so the mail in thing and no lines felt awfully great.  I don’t know why everyone isn’t doing it.
• That the sun continues to rise. Early for this one, but when you’re coming out of a few days of feeling like Kathy Bates goes Misery on your legs, it’s something to appreciate.
• Boys who cuddle.  I’m lucky, all of my boys from hubby to puppy are cuddelers, and when I’m feeling down and like giving up.  I also posted the terrific speech by Colts coach Chuck Pagano about how what we do, us cancer ninjas, is rarely fighting for ourselves, but for others.
• That I had to scrape the ice of my car this morning, because that means after 227k miles and 11 years, it’s still able to get me where I need to go!  Oh, and that I felt up to driving this AM.  First time since I got home from chemo last Friday.  I probably COULD have driven yesterday, but I really didn’t want to.

So what is the point of all of this gratefulness?

Cancer changes how you look at every little thing. This will be my crappiest month, because it’s the only month I have two doses of chemo, but it’s also the end of the road for this chemo trip, so there is light at the end of this tunnel.  It’s light that is still filled with more work, but it has me starting to be me again.   I don’t know this chick that looks like Uncle Fester in the mirror.

But for that light, and for all of the little things I notice along the way, I will continue to be grateful.

If not, it seems like an awful waste of this forced new perspective.

Will still keep it quick today, but the early eye issues seem to be giving away to getting back to normal sooner… I hope.

The most interesting random thing that I’ve found is that I feel significantly better if I eat protein. Normally I’d be totally happy with some oatmeal as comfort food, but knowing over the last few days that eating protein helps, I broke out the turkey jerky and it’s helped with the leg pain sooner.

Of course, now it’s sitting like a brick in my tummy, but I’m all about the compromise.

I think the most exciting part of today is that all of the political ads & posts will stop.  I actually voted more than a week ago, which then makes the ads that much more obnoxious, since I have a hard time believing that much of anyone is swayed by last min ads… and are those morons who we really want deciding ANYTHING?

Anyhow, the boobies are sore, so it will be interesting to see how my fill goes next week… I’m looking forward to being done sooner than later, but it still may just be rough.

So I’ll do what I’ve been doing when I’m sore all week so far.

Nap time!

Just a quick update. I’ve mainly been napping, a couple of days earlier than usual.
It’s like I have the flu but my eyes aren’t focusing right.
No pain yet, just nausea and tired.

Today is a terriffic, amazing day.  I’m in the office with my wonderful colleagues, getting to sit in a room three rows away from our CEO and hear about the direction of the agency over the next couple of years.  And while that was happening, I got Windows 8 installed on my work PC.

But the best part of today is that it’s the first day of November.  Let’s be clear, this month will likely suck hardcore.  This is the only month where I will have two treatments, and as my last two treatments, they will likely be harder than the first two were.

But the part where I’m focused: TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE MONTH WHERE I WILL GET MY LAST TWO CHEMO TREATMENTS!  By the time this month is over, the chemo will be over too!

Therefore, today is a pretty terrific, amazing day.

I asked a friend this morning if it sounded strange, but I’m really excited for chemo tomorrow.  This is my second to the last treatment.  No, this won’t be the END of my treatment… I’ll get my ovaries shut down for at least 5 years as soon as this is done, but I’m really excited to just MOVE ON.

Another colleague said that in all of my pictures I look so great and have such a great smile.

Yep, I’m a PR girl. That’s on purpose.

So it makes me wonder if I should post a pic next week when I’m feeling shitty and I’m all pale.  Not how I like anyone to think of me, but if I’m trying to stick to my mantra of “this shit’s real” maybe I should. Complete with dog in my lap.

I’ll think about it.

But as I’m super excited for tomorrow’s treatment to be over and I’m going to drive myself to SCCA and have at least two lovely friends drop by to visit (if you’re in the South Lake Union area Friday 11/2 from 10:30a-2p or so and have my cell, feel free to text me and I’ll tell you what room to stop by), I want to leave you with two images that will help carry me through the next few days when I’m feeling less smiley and kick ass.

My boy who dressed up as a ninja to be a ninja with his mom this Halloween:

Ninja Boy with his candy loot!

And how I answered the door for kiddos looking for their candy fix last night:

How a self-rescuing princess ninja answers the door on Halloween

Because this ninja princess found the lump that rescued me by being early.

Which means today can be a good day. (Even for a white girl)