WTF was I thinking again? Sitting outside the control room @ KOMO waiting to go on. It’s the 5th floor, I spent my entire time working here on 4, in the newsroom, not the studio. It all just feels wrong.

I started the AM losing my favorite scarf somewhere between my car and my desk… So now I’m sitting out here, feeling out of place, almost ready to cry. I got to catch up with my old boss, but I think it’s better that I don’t go see the others yet. Betting I will cry since I haven’t seen anyone since Kathi passed and my surgery. Then again, maybe I’ll keep my big girl panties on and be just fine.

**************

OK- There was no crying, the camera added a LOT of pounds, and I can’t believe no one told me to take out my hands-free so I look like a total idiot there, but it was not HORRIBLE. I didn’t get in a shout out to the support I’ve had from the sidekick’s colleagues at Cedarcrest HS, but I didn’t call out my blog either… which is kind of a mixed  blessing.  I’ve been most nervous about sharing this more publically, since I feel like I’m pretty naked here.  It’s like the picture (which they used) that I shared of me bald after dinner last night with my awesome bald clients.  That was a big deal for me to share, since it exposes a vulnerablity I’m not 100% comfortable with.

So here’s the link to where my awesome friends at KOMO posted the interview on their site.

And I got to hang out with some of my old friends for about an hour, which was awesome too.  Lots of hugging, I didn’t cry at all, and for anyone I didn’t go see in person, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to, I just didn’t want to interrupt the work that I know you were all doing.  Consider this an e-hug if I missed anyone in person. {{{ninja}}}

Three Bald PR Pros

Was thinking of going with “Live Your Life” but realized I’ve been thugging exactly NONE of my life, I decided to go Bon Jovi instead, since I actually own several albums and went to a concert in high school… but the line for today:

I just want to live while I’m alive.

Once before I used this when I was talking about my dear friend, Tricia Moen, who lost her battle with colon cancer at 39 last year.  Totally unacceptable outcome, but she has been my role model on how to face the scary stuff with grace and honesty.  Tricia was a producer at KOMO, where I worked with her for several years, and she was very open with talking to the viewers there about her fight, so they would know that colon cancer can strike at our age. She was my view into what my mom was going through in HER fight with colon cancer on days Mom didn’t want to talk.

So I can only think that Tricia is smiling down on me that I’ve offered to take my ninja self to her audience, the KOMO 4 News’ 11a show this Thursday, 10/25, to talk about what it’s like to live a normal life while fighting.

I guess an alternate title to this blog could be “Message Testing” as I thought I would practice what I think I’ll say… I welcome feedback on anything you think I might be missing, although I’m assuming the interviewer will have her own thoughts or direction and where I’m going. 🙂

I’m thinking I’ll start with finding my lump and diagnosis this summer. I can talk about my treatment and final pathology, etc.

But the reason I pitched the story is how I’m seeing the reaction happen in my work, family, and community at large.

Everyone I mentioned this to started talking about the people they knew. And with the exception of one colleague and a couple of other friends, everyone has talked about a “Mom, Aunt (like mine) or Grandma.” My mom can’t find a t-shirt that says “I wear pink for my daughter.”

We all should know our risk, and stay on top of what that means.  For me that was genetic testing, and volunteering for additional testing that will teach researchers about more genetic traits.  And then do something about it.

Did I touch my boobies enough before?  Evidently not, or I wouldn’t have had 3 masses and needed a mastectomy.  So I am a cautionary tale. At 38 years young.

But finally, for other young survivors… we’re out there. But we’re all doing exactly what YOU are doing.  We haven’t shut down our lives.  We’re still wives, mothers, colleagues.  Some women hide it altogether, because they don’t want the attention.

Admittedly, it can be exhausting for the woman who has sold you dog food once a month for the last year to see that you’re bald beneath your hat and ask how you’re feeling.  Or even to be the constant recipient of thoughts and prayers while being physically and emotionally exhausted, just trying to heal.

But that’s a part of continuing to live while I’m alive.  And as I’ve said, I’m only 0.25 years into my 50 year survival plan.  I’ve got at least 49.75 years that I’m planning to be around.

There’s my general plan, let me know what you think!

In case anyone wondered where I was this weekend, the answer: napping.  Sat: Went to the little one’s pee-wee football, came home, took a nap.  Sun: Breakfast out, grocery, dog food & Target run, start watching Pats game… you guessed it, go upstairs to start laundry and end up taking a nap.

Evidently, even though I was feeling WAYYY better that’s what my body needed.  Right now, it’s my life.

It’s funny, but I had a conversation with my mom this week where I actually considered finding out if I REALLY have to have the last two sessions of Chemo. And if I should just take next month off of work while I go through Chemo… even though it’s still going to be a time of peaks & valleys.

And today, I can’t imagine giving up like that.  I’m going to be more fair to my team and take the whole week after chemo off the next time, since I think I really need to take off one more day than I think I should. Last time that was Mon-Tue, this time, Mon-Wed… so yeah, next time I will need at least 4 days. But I’m getting this done, and I’ve had even more love and support from my team to help me carry on.

I shouldn’t consider the chemo itself on Friday the halfway part, but after I feel better from said chemo.  Like today.

As I was trying to come up with a theme for today, this little bit of Kenny Loggins popped into my head:

• Meet me halfway
  Across the sky
  Make this a new beginning of another life

I’m still tired from the feeling sick and food does not agree with me **TMI ALERT** (don’t you hate it when it sounds like you are peeing, but that’s not what is happening. EWWWWWW!)

But I’m still getting to the other side.  And if I shut myself off somewhere I wouldn’t be able to soak in the love from my crazy and friends who sent me these hats, book and shower art

Latest random & awesome things that prove I have friends who are both random and awesome!!

And I wouldn’t have more time with the sidekick, who knows me so well he got me this.

I’ve got the tiara… just need to find the right cape!

So, I find the balance.  Don’t work, and maybe since it makes people worry I shouldn’t even blog when I have those worst of the bad days.

But the rest of the time, live my life.

After all, if you’ve met me here, for this chemo crap, we’re already half way!

PS- Looks like I’ll be on KOMO 4 news at 11a next Thursday, talking about my boobies.  Unless I can work in a plug for Windows 8… no, it’s just about the boobies.

I know that literal is not where Coldplay is going with “Fix You,” but when there are tears streaming down my face because it feels like someone has actually lit my bones on fire… and I want so much to work and be a functioning member of my team, but I can’t stand to look @ my PC because it makes me motion sick.

And I know that all my friends, family, and esp my boys want to do is try (yy-yy) to fix me.  And I know that hugs from my boys and love from my friends are the only things getting me through this when it seems like it’d be easier to quit.

So for that, I sincerely thank you.

This will likely be disjointed, as I can’t write more than a few min or so @ a time, but I promised to be real.  Please stop now if you didn’t want real-ness.

I can tell you now that there are three distinct weeks to this three-week cycle.  The Good, the Not So Bad, and the Ugly.

I’m in the middle of an ugly week, but let’s end there, so start with week two, which will be NEXT week, week “Not So Bad.”

Week 2 is really more about the emotional toll than anything, and making my self REALLY care about the things that I normally care a LOT about, like my job, the state of my home and feeding my family. I usually manage to get a grocery list together, and might even run the dishwasher once.  I go to the office to soak in the brain power that I don’t get from the dog. I function pretty much like a normal, although slightly tired and distracted person.

Week 3 is the week where chemo happens, and ironically, is the Good week.  It’s like a honeymoon phase.  I’ve forgotten the pain, and am almost manic in my need to get stuff done. Still emotionally messy, but very much about throwing myself into everything.  Even the day of the treatment, although it’s dull and I spend a lot of time in a hospital-like room, I feel good.  This time I was more tired than the first session, but still, not hideous.  I am just out and about.

But Week 1, starting with the Sunday afternoon after my Friday AM treatment, is Bad. B-A-D, bad. I can not get comfortable.  My legs hurt, and are sometimes twitchy.  I’m often nauseated, and nothing tastes quite right.  I want so badly to do something other than sleep, but can’t concentrate for more thank 15 min.  My eyes hurt.  And today I started crying uncontrollably for no really good reason, other than I’m pretty much done with this.  I know I’m trading 84 days of hell for 50 years cancer-free, but it doesn’t feel fair, when I never hurt before this.  I mean, surgery didn’t feel GOOD, but it didn’t make my body feel like I was possessed, my head itch, and the skin behind my ears crack.

I want to call and ask, since I was stage 1, do I REALLY need the next two treatments? But I know the answer.

Starting after Thanksgiving, all of the weeks will be getting better.

In the meantime, I appreciate the love, but nothing but time will fix me.

So the first couple of days of chemo are not usually so bad. I actually drove home myself on Friday, and made soup for dinner Saturday night.  Sunday was still OK (would have been better if the Pats could have pulled it out) but I was really just starting to have the sore legs and nausea. And I couldn’t read the ticker on the bottom of the TV.  And it’s harder to focus on the computer, which makes work tough.

So Monday, I slept like 16 hours, and took pain killers for my legs, as well as meds for my nausea. Which was made worse by the cold I’m still fighting. I hate snot.

Today I’ve gone from Constipation to Nausea, to the big D since 7a… and it’s not even 10a.

An hour ago I was feeling TONS better, but now, I’m not so sure.

But the fact is, I’m 1/2 way done with the chemo. And it SUCKS, but in 6 weeks, I won’t even need to plan to do another one of these things.

So I’m sorry if I’m MIA for a couple more days, but I’ll get through this.

They say that you only know what strength you have when it’s tested.  Don’t know that I felt the need to test it, but I’m feeling hella strong.

I got this.

There is no other option.

OK, so the lyrics don’t make sense, but the title does and I love me some Air Supply, so it works for me. Don’t judge.

This week I decided to set out and see if we could get a little extra bit of attention for breast cancer, both awareness that there ARE women of my  generation going through what I’m going through, but the idea that we ALL should be taking the action to know our risk and getting checked.  And the response from my friends and colleagues has been a little overwhelming.

I should mention, that even though I’m playing out my little drama on a public blog, and I’ve admitted to being an oversharer, I’m usually a pretty private person until I get comfortable with you.  I may get comfortable with people easily, and I have a tendency to see the best in people… but I was a broadcast journalism major who NEVER intended to be in front of a camera on TV.  When I knew people were listening to me on the radio live, I blushed all over the place.  Which, yes, is silly on the radio.

So reaching out to my former TV colleagues & offering to talk to them about my journey was way coming out of my shell.  And pushing my story out to an agency of 800 PR pros, and asking them to share my story to inspire others created mixed feelings.  It’s scary.  I feel like I’ve stripped myself naked and stepped WAY outside my comfort zone.

But the biggest thing that I’ve felt with this nakedness is love.  I’ve had SO much support from friends and colleagues who may not even know me, but have told me I’m being brave.  And that makes me feel braver.  So thank you all.

Chemo went fine yesterday, although last time the side effects didn’t get serious last time until after I stopped with the steroids.  I have something odd happening with my eyes… it’s almost like I’m near-sighted… and I’ve been wearing reading glasses for being FAR-SIGHTED since I was 16.  I’ll call my doc and see what they suggest on that Monday.

My friend Veronica came to visit while I got treatment, and she got to see the full look, ice gloves to keep me from getting neuropathy in my hands, Ninja hat to keep my naked head warm, and other bundling, because putting room-temperature liquid in my body makes me chilly…

Today was also my son’s last regular season pee-wee football game, and my friends bought some little pink balls and treats for the boys, and Breast Cancer Ribbon hats & bracelets for the adults.  I got another awesome pink hat to keep my head warm, which is great, since I had the rest of my head cropped short on Thursday… and now my head is cold.  More love.  It’s an embarrassment of riches.

Anywho… I’m feeling pretty good so far.  Just made and ate Beef & Barley soup. Not so bad for a chick on chemo, right?  I can still feed my family, not even ALWAYS with the help from my wonderful friends who have sent food. Which feels pretty good.

I may feel a little lost with all of the attention, but I KNOW that I’m loved!

I’m feeling like sending out a little Donna Summer coming at you today, but I’ve told you how amazingly lucky I feel, but there is another thing that I’ve been feeling.

I feel loved.

I know that I’m lucky to have such great friends and family around me, and to have a terrific job where I can be sitting at home working right now since I’m fighting a cold. (My oncologist isn’t worried about it as long as it stays a virus, so that’s what I’m trying to make sure it does!)

But more things this week, I got a delivery of meals to put in the freezer – like 16 meals of 3-4 servings a piece, so while I’m laid up from chemo for the next few days, my family will be fed. Heck, even though I may not be super hungry, I will be fed, too.

This comes from the generosity of my husband’s colleagues, fellow teachers at his employer of 17 years, Cedarcrest High School in Duvall, WA, as well as some of my own colleagues at Waggener Edstrom who didn’t get to pitch in on the food train of feeding me in the week and a half after my surgery.

Tomorrow will be my one and only chemo session during breast cancer awareness month, and I know I keep telling folks that they really don’t have to do anything for me, but I do have something that I’d like to ask so that I can share all of this love.

My colleagues at Waggener Edstrom have been SO supportive, and now they’re taking things one step further.  We’re sharing out some graphics that I’m hoping you’ll see, and then taking pictures of ourselves in bright pink lipstick to ask you to not only be aware that breast cancer is out there in our generation, but take proactive steps to know your own risk.

Smile & check your boobies!

So what can you do?

1. If you see our campaign, please share!
2. Share a picture of yourself in bright pink lipstick (guys, you can have someone kiss you on the cheek if it makes you feel better… but you know a dude in pink lipstick will help us get attention)
3. Check your boobies, and if you find something, FOR GOODNESS SAKE GET IT CHECKED!
   • (This means guys too- did you see that KISS drummer Peter Criss is now talking about his battle? http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2012/10/05/peter-criss-breast-cancer/1615947/)
4. Learn more about your breast cancer risk at sites like www.brightpink.org or the Australian site that I mentioned as the original inspiration and founders of “Bright Pink Lipstick Day” http://pinkhope.org.au/
5. Pass it on, pass it on, pass it on!

Me in my Ninja hat!

I’ve said this before, but my one other homework item.  Remember to tell people that you love them. Unless you are a stalker, they will appreciate knowing that you’re thinking of them, if they have cancer or not.

So I teased this yesterday, but as you can imagine, I’ve been checking out breast cancer awareness sites and have found some pretty cool organizations all over the world that are getting out the word for breast and ovarian health. (I may be trying to find cool Christmas presents… if you are on my list, I hope you like pink shit!)

Here are a couple of cool ones that I hadn’t heard of before, many concentrating on “young” women at risk like me (My words in italic, rest of the words are theirs):

• Bright Pink: Bright Pink is a national non-profit organization in the US that provides education and support to young women who are at high risk for breast and ovarian cancer.  This is where I met my Pink Pal, Tina. It’s amazing to have another young survivor to talk to about being a mom and wife and going through things like chemo and hair loss!
• Pink Hope: This is where I stole my idea that I’ll tell you in a min about from… Pink Hope is Australia’s first community designed to inspire women to be proactive and vigilant with their breast and ovarian health, while providing a safe haven for high risk women to connect.
• FORCE: Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered (FORCE) is the only national nonprofit organization devoted to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. Our mission includes support, education, advocacy, awareness, and research specific to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.  Just because I’m negative for BRAC 1/2, doesn’t mean I’m negative for BRAC 5… and they’ve got good info for anyone with a risk to have.
• YSC: Young Survival Coalition (YSC) is the premier global organization dedicated to the critical issues unique to young women who are diagnosed with breast cancer. YSC offers resources, connections and outreach so women feel supported, empowered and hopeful. They send a “treatment navigator” for free and talk about things like preserving fertility… I didn’t need it, but still lots of good info.
• BCC: Information and support for anyone affected by breast cancer. Breast Cancer Care seems to do a little of everything for survivors and their families in the UK… and they have a cool bear in their own plaid from Scotland.  How cute is that?

So as you can see, tons of cool resources out there where women can get more information and help.  But the one thing I’ve heard from friends who have read my blog is that they don’t always get the raw, personal details.  Almost everyone I’ve talked to have a loved one who has been effected by breast cancer. Often it’s a mom, grandma or aunt. But it’s rarely someone their own age… and often not an oversharer like me.

And one of the first rules you learn in Journalism school (yep, I’ve got a degree in that) is that to get the best story, you have to make it personal.  You need real people to tell a story.  Which is why I offer my story up to you every time I write, so that you can understand that there are young(ish) women who are out here fighting.  And damnit, we’re WINNING!

But the first step to becoming a breast cancer survivor is knowing that the cancer is there.

So while I’m getting my chemo on Friday, we’re going to spread the word.  Breast cancer is not just your grandma, or even your mom’s disease.  One in 8 women will be effected. Heck in my office, that’s one of us in every row.

I’ll share more details on how we’re spreading the word, but we’re thinking something simple like sharing a pic in bright pink lipstick over social media… like the “Bright Pink Lipstick Day” that Pink Hope did in Australia last month. Because it’s not necessarily about raising $$, I mean, there’s a lot of research to do and money is hugely important, but this is something that anyone with a set of boobies cam possibly find themselves.

So my crusade, for the rest of the week at least, will be to raise awareness of the risk for other women under 40 so those women can find them.

After I get through my second dose of chemo on Friday, I’m pretty sure there will be days where my crusade involves getting out of bed. 🙂

And no, it’s not ACTUALLY a song lyric, but all day it’s been stuck in my head that way.

• Can’t live, can’t breathe with no Hair
• It’s how I feel whenever  you ain’t there
• There’s no Hair, no Hair

Yeah, melodramatic, but between the major hair loss and the sidekick trying to kill a cold that I’m also fighting… it’s what I’ve got stuck in my head.

Wig shopping was not horrible, but also not a success.

I find wigs hot, itchy, and expensive, and not easy to make flattering.  I did buy a few online… we’ll see what they are like when they come in.  I also got a couple of scarves, a couple of hats, and ordered a few chemo beanie thingies online too. Posted more of each on my Pinterest board for head coverings… feel free to comment there.

Other than that, saw my chemo doc today, he says I’m doing great and he’s a happy guy.  Got a fill, so now the water balloons are at 480 cc. I actually look down and see something that looks like boobies to me.  Small, deformed, nippleless boobies, but when I’m wearing clothes, it’s still better than it was this AM.

But the big fill means typing is tough… so I’ll have to add in that I’ve got an awareness thingy planned for this Friday… it’s the ONLY chemo I’m having during breast cancer awareness month, so seems like a good day to make my little move.

I’ll share more deets once my pecs aren’t so sore & I can tell you more. 🙂

Likely something that’s TMI, but it’s 3:30a, I’ve had one hour of sleep, and I thought that maybe again getting my chaotic thoughts would clear my head enough to let me sleep… but I’m a picker. Like if there’s a scab that looks like it might come off, I pick it off.  If I have a blemish, I can’t just leave it alone.  Sunburn is peeling? I get all of that nasty dead skin off right away.

So it’s no surprise to me that when my hair is coming out any time I pull on it, I can’t leave it alone.

There is SOME logic to this, and although I’ve been showing it as a parlor trick since Thursday AM, it’s only in the privacy of my own home that I’m pulling out handfuls of hair to make a little pile on the floor. Which I then vacuum up, or roll into a ball and toss in the garbage, or both.   But if I pull out the hair, it’s not on my shirt or the couch or somewhere else.

If I put it in a pile on the floor it’s not elsewhere on the floor.  Because if it’s elsewhere on the floor it ends up clinging to my socks.  I had on white ones today, and I realized this afternoon it looked like we had a shedding Chocolate Lab with all of the hair on my socks.

So of course, I took off the socks. Problem solved.

Friends have asked, and no, it doesn’t hurt when the hair comes out.  Not any more than it does when your hair comes out on a normal day… if I just let it happen, I might not even notice.  But like I said, I’m a picker, which says two things. First, there is a physical sensation on my scalp. It’s like when you wear a hat all day, or leave hair in a ponytail too long.  That “hair hurt” as my husband calls it, feeling.  So I want to rub at it… and when I “pick at it” the hair comes out.

But even bigger, I want control.  I decide when these hairs are going to shed if I can and I’m going to control the disposal.  Damnit.

So Saturday, after my son’s football game, I’ve got an appointment at the SCCA’s Shine store to pick out some head coverings.  I’m figuring at least one wig and another non-tie scarfy thing, since I’m stressed about tying one in a way that will make it stay. Maybe they can help with that too.

I’ve also started a new Pinterest board, “Wigging Out” with really random and crazy wigs or hats I COULD buy. I kind of like the rainbow bob… talk about a pop of color!  Feel free to comment on if I could pull these things off in public.

So other than sharing the exciting news that I am going to find new hair tomorrow… I want to make sure everyone knows I really am OK.

I’m not really EXCITED about going bald, but I’m completely accepting it, and I WILL move forward.

This week brings another fill and meeting with my chemo doc on Monday, and then round two.

But don’t you see what that means?

By this time, one week from now, I’ll be past the half-way point in my chemo.  Over the hump. On the downhill side.

Physically, I’m now off all of the meds that I was taking for my surgery, although I’m keeping them around for the TE fills and chemo, since they do help.

It was three months ago Friday that I found the effing lump, and I’ve already come so far.

I’m kicking its ASS!  Don’t be worried about this ninja, CELEBRATE.

Oh, and check your boobies. Just in case. 🙂